Heart2Heart: The Shallow Issues With Deep Impact

We call people shallow when all they think about is appearances. Oh she’s fatGee, look at her flat nose... Whoa! Volcano face! Have you thought of the people on the receiving end? What if you’re the person being picked on? I have to admit, I do that sometimes, on the bitchy side, I mean. C’mon. I never said I was an angel. However, I’ve also been on the receiving end. I was insecure in many ways and during my teenage years, I always thought it sucked to be me.

 

random selca

You’ve seen my FOTDs lately and you might think I’m lucky to have better skin which looks presentable with just concealer and powder. Note presentable, not flawless. I am already in my mid-30s. What you don’t see is my crown and my whole body. When I was young, I had a lot of hair. However, when I was in my teens, I began losing hair, faster than they grow, and now, I have thinner looking hair. I don’t have a bald patch, but I do envy those of you with lotsa hair on your crown. I discovered it’s hormonal so I learned to accept it. At least I can do without a wig >.<

Then comes body. I’ve never been thin. I’m a mesomorph/endomorph. I have a bigger build, straight broad shoulders that even swimmers envy and I do gain fat easily. I’ve never been thin and I’ve never worn a size S. My friends at school called me fat when I really just had bigger boobs and my mom still tells me I’m fat even when I’m already a mother of 2. Look at her. She has 4 children and still looks fit. I get angry when I hear things like this, and think my mom should find someone else to pick on. It’s been more than 30 years already! However, truthfully, I AM overweight at the moment. I used to hunch my shoulders to hide my boobs and I’d wear loose clothes to hide my non existent waist line. That was until I hit my 30s, got my first child, and I accepted myself being who I was, whatever size I was. Maybe it’s this acceptance that made me fatter? LOL!

I am turning 35 years old in 3 days. That’s middle age, ladies. Instead of thinking about losing weight to look better, I want to be healthier. I want to be lighter with stronger muscles so that it is less taxing on my bones and joints. I want to be able to walk straight when I’m 70. I hurt my back a few months ago, and I don’t ever want to be that immobile ever again. I picked up jogging recently, and when running just 300m made me pant, I could jog 1.5km yesterday before breaking for a walk, then jogged again. I am going to a local gym tomorrow to sign up for classes because I realised lifting weights is just too darn boring for me. I remember enjoying Body Pump and Boxercise. I have been eating cleaner but I have my off days when I’d eat junk then be guilty after.

I’m fickle and I’ve always admitted it, and unless I want something really very badly, I’d probably change my mind or just give up before I get anywhere. I also need to make this decision on my own, because if someone forced the idea on me, I’d just tell them to piss off. I am a difficult person. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anything wrong with me.

I decided to write this post because I need the extra motivation and commitment to get healthy. I need to drop 2 dress sizes for starters before slowly building more muscles and tone up the body. I’m getting sick of that flabby lose skin which I remember I proudly called the sacrifice of a mom. I need to stop making excuses for me to be OK settling for inertia when I can start a momentum, and start making changes no matter how small.

Mid life crisis? Maybe.

If it’s for the healthier, why not, eh? Maybe I should even start a diary of my journey and keep you updated on a monthly basis too, who knows? You’re welcome to join me. My mind and resolve are still wavering so I hope I can stick with it long enough to see more results which will then become a motivation on its own. Wish me luck?

 

xoxo Lily

 

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  • Jesslyn Soh

    nice one Lily. I share the same sentiments because S size has never been in my vocab! so being healthy and looking good is my aim. I dont see the point to fit into size S or M because its just my frame. So i am just making the best of what God gave me.

    Wish you the best in your journet to be healthy and fit! :)

    p/s: You look great as you are! :))

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Thanks Jesslyn. I need to want more to keep myself pumped up! And good luck to you too. Living and eating healthy are the main objectives here :-)

  • http://www.myfunnyvalentineblog.com Jen W

    Good on you for taking charge and getting fit! I can’t believe how much sh*t you had to take from people, and from your own family! I think Asian parents don’t realise it can hurtful to call people fat- I used to get the same when I went back to China to visit.

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      You’re right about Asian parents, Jen. I talked to my mom before, and she thought hurtful words can become motivation. I know she means well, but she can sound very mean. I think most people here are like that though, which is so wrong. LOL!

  • http://www.mywomenstuff.com Paris B

    It’s good to take charge and recharge! Can’t stand it when the first thing some people say when they say you is “Eh, you have put on weight” Like yeah, that’s the most positive thing you can say after not seeing me for 2 years -_-” Being healthier is a good thing and a good goal and whatever comes along with it e.g. weight loss, more strength, is a good thing :)

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      HAHA! Yeah, my friend has been working out so hard, he lost 4kgs and 2 inches off his waist. Then, his friend came up to him and asked if he put on weight. That crushed my friend. I think it just happens in Asia. ROFL! And yes to all the good things and more :-)

  • http://www.beautyreflectionsblog.com Tracy@Beauty Reflections

    I’m chubby Lily. Only been skinny once in my life in grade 12 and I starved myself to look like that. I need to lose weight and have been trying to and it’s not as easy as others think it is, especially the older you get. Good luck! And sorry, but your mom is mean. I don’t get it when moms are like that.

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      You’re right about age and the slowing metabolism! And LOL re. my mom. She’s the most caring and crazy mom I know, but when it comes to appearances like hair, weight and even my face, she thinks hurting me is the best way to motivate me. I talked to her before, and her response is – am I supposed to say you look great and make you feel so comfortable that you end up looking like a whale?? HAHAHAHAHA! Yes, she can be mean :-) Most Asian moms are. I hope I won’t become one.

  • http://beautyreductionista.blogspot.ca/ Liz

    Asian moms. Thank god I can laugh about it now, because it was a horror growing up with the mixed messages: “EAT MORE NO STOP YOU’RE FAT EAT EAT STOP”

    35 is where it’s at, Lily. I yanked out my 2 visible white hairs that I found while visiting Xiao and had a moment of panic, but after that comes acceptance and the desire to live life to the fullest. We’re wiser and tougher than ever before. It’s a beautiful place to be, and I’m proud of your efforts to be healthy and strong. :)

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      I agree. 35 rocks. I know what I want even though there are struggles, and I know when to stop taking shit from people. LOL! Oh, white hairs… I don’t want to think about them. I don’t see them if I just believe they don’t exist. Hahahaha!

  • http://eyeheartit.blogspot.com Larie

    Good for you, Lily – such a positive outlook :) Asian moms…ugh. UGH. I am hoping that as a generation, we can maybe teach our daughters a different way, you know? That really irks me. I understand that they love us and only want what’s best for us in the end, but there has to be a better balance. Seriously.

    But what I wanted to say is I’m happy for you! I like being strong and working on getting stronger – I rock climb and do Muay Thai, and it is about staying in shape, but also about being healthy and being able to hold my own. I sometimes feel that as a woman, I’m vulnerable, and I don’t want to be afraid of so many things, you know?

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      I know what you mean about being vulnerable, Larie. There have been so many violent crimes here of late that it scares me to go out at night. I suppose it doesn’t make me any less vulnerable to chances if I’m stronger, but at least knowing I could run like crazy without fainting makes me feel safer. LOL!

  • http://procrastinatingpretty.blogspot.com The Procrastinator

    Thanks so much for addressing this — I think it’s particularly rampant in Asia where people are, on average, smaller. Being 5’10, I’m going to be heavier than most Asian people, but when my cousins hear that I swing between 135 and 140, they can’t even fathom someone being that heavy. I don’t even think they call me fat to be mean, I think they just can’t envision anything else.

    I’m so glad to hear you’re on a healthier path — I firmly believe that strong is the new skinny, and it’s such an inspiration to see you embrace it. Best of luck to you (but you won’t need it :P)!

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Thank you dear! Yeah, I still don’t get the obsession with body weight. I never believed in being skinny intentionally, because I know some are just born like that and they don’t get any bigger no matter what they do, but I believe in being strong. The funny thing is, my friend is way smaller than I am, but my medical charts show I’m so much healthier. I think that’s the right way to go :-)

  • http://www.lifecellskin.ca/ Emma Brown

    Love and agree with everything in this post, it’s really inspiring. Everything you said rings true, and you are really such a beautiful person (inside and out).

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Aww, thanks Emma. Cheers to being stronger :-)

  • Ting

    Hello Lily! I fully support your motivation to eat healthy. I deeply believe there is an optimum weight when we feel the best of health and this optimum weight is only known by yourself. Nobody can tell you what is the perfect weight for your height and your daily life. Keeping fit is a lifetime commitment – one that I stray off often… HAHAHAHA. Eating a balanced diet is a good way to start, and this I try to do.

    I don’t try to dramatically loose weight. Just take one step at a time and try to maintain it within a certain range. For me, I don’t eat dinner after 7 PM. I practise “eating breakfast like a king, lunch like a normal, dinner like poor”. That applies for portion size as well. Dinner is the least amount of food I have.

    Well good luck with your plan, and yay to a more healthy lifestyle! :D

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Hi Ting, you’re right about the way to eat. For me, weekday breakfast is tricky, so my biggest meal is lunch and the smallest being dinner. Of course, to avoid that afternoon crash, I minimize processed carb intake during lunch. I also agree about not losing weight dramatically. I aim to do it slowly and steadily since it IS a lifetime commitment. I know I’ll get there eventually, and if I rush into things, I’ll just bounce back, like the 1398434786 times I’ve tried. LOL!

  • http://mostlysunnyblog.com/ Sunny

    Aww Lily, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had such a hard time! Asian moms are unbelievable that way. I’m sure mine has said a thing or two along that line! I’m also way big-boned for my generation of Taiwanese girls. It wasn’t until I was much older that I stopped being the biggest girl you see around (kids are growing bigger nowadays). Good luck sticking to your resolution!

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Hey Sunny, thanks! Yeah, I see younger generations of Taiwanese and Koreans are getting bigger built and taller. I don’t see any changes in this country though. Wonder what’s changed?

  • Fernanda

    Good luck Lily! I’ve also been on a journey to be healthy for some 2 years now and I’ve lost a lot of weight, but mostly I just feel great. I find it helped me to make changes to diet and exercise gradually, I never could be so restrictive. Also Instagram is a great motivator, I follow some healthy profiles there that really make me want to continue, and give me recipe ideas. I love @videomeals for recipes! I wish you lots of persistence and success!

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Hi Fernanda. Thanks so much for sharing! Yes, I see some beautiful inspirations on Instagram as well. I have to check out @videomeals. Thanks for the tip :-)

  • http://www.suestone.com Sue

    I think that’s what most people on their 30s think. Health rather than beauty. When we reach that part in life where we’ve already realized how happy it is to live longer, that’s when we believe that beauty is nothing if you’re sickly. :)

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      What’s it with people in their 30s, eh? Hahahah! You’re right. Actually, I believe that no matter what we have, it won’t last if we’re not healthy. I’m so much more motivated by all your comments. When I feel down, I know I’ll turn back to this post and read all the comments again :-)

  • http://10amBeauty.com Alison M

    Fabulous!! It’s all about YOU and loving the body YOU are in. I’m thin. Ridiculously thin. I have non-existent boobs. And I don’t like my body. I’ve had two children. I’m approaching my thirties. And I’M OUT OF SHAPE. I love that we can both admit it’s about health, not size. It’s about taking care of ourselves. I’ll be joining you soon in getting control of our bodies and learning to love our own shapes :) And you’re right, want it bad enough and it will happen!

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Then, all the best to both of us, Alison! Thanks so much for sharing! Here’s to being in control AND being strong :-)

  • http://www.glambunctious.com Kristen @ Glambunctious

    Aw, HUGE hugs to you, sweetums! I think you are the cutest person ever and someone I’d love to be friends with “in real life”! I wish you all the motivation in the world! I want to lose weight myself as my pants size continues to go up through the years (I turned 33 in May) and I am so sick of my belly. I used to be pretty in-shape in my early twenties but I only realized that years later looking back through old pictures. At the time, I thought I was fat! OY! I’d trade bodies with that “fat” 20 year old any day! I’d love for you to share your journey with us along the way! I have been following Amber (of Beauty Junkies Unite) on her Nutrisystem journey and have found it very inspiring! Lots of love to you, peaches!

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Thank you Kristen :-) I turn 35 in 2 days and for me, this is really half way if I live to 70. Yeah, I looked at my older photos, and really wonder why people told me I was fat. Sure, I wasn’t skinny, but I was nowhere near fat. I actually BELIEVED I was fat and lost so much of myself back then. It’s ridonkulous! You are so sweet Kristen. I will definitely keep you guys updated. When I wrote this post, I wanted more commitment to myself. And now, I think I have. All your beautiful comments really moved me and now, I really need to make changes. Otherwise, I’d be a huge hypocrite, talking big with no actions. Hahaha!!!

  • http://Mylucitedreams.com Taylor

    I always enjoy your honesty Lily and personal posts. I can absolutely identify with you on so many levels. I’ve been on a roller coaster of body image issue. I was too fat, too thin and no matter where you are your never content and someone always has something to say . I had a big time out cooped up in bed on and off for 3 years now. I struggle with Fibromayalgia and chronic fatigue, and then a slipped disc. I hate how weak I became and still am, I want my strength back and I want to be able to be physical. Remember when you could jump and run, those things are hard now. I’m 31 and I feel it certainly. I also think though that I handle everything better than I did when I was younger, ie body issues. I want so bad to be strong again and I’m right there with you. Those beautiful girls of your are great motivators, go be active with them! And get strong. I find that having a say yes attitude helps. If someone asks you to physical, say yes. Eating clean is the best thing, ts helped me physically. Tiny steps, constantly, will help you to move forward. Ever read Quantumn Wellness, it’s so goods! Good luck Lily! I’m with you :-)

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      I’m so sorry to hear about your health struggles, Taylor and thank you so much for sharing. Also, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I’m so happy to know I’m not alone in this journey :-) I hope you get stronger too, Taylor. 31 is just a start of something even more beautiful to come!

  • http://www.themistymom.com Shari

    Aww dear, I hope you feel better soon. TBH, I face the same issues too but more like a battle with myself since my sisters are both stick-thin and my mom being 50 is even more fit than me. It gets to me sometimes but then, I divert my attention and focus on the positive things instead.

    Anyway, I think you look beautiful! Your photos clearly show your great bone structure and a killer smile. Keep your head up dear, maybe it is some sort of midlife crisis :) Hee-hee. Good luck with your diary and I hope all goes well from here on then!

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Thank you for your kind words Shari :-) I hope it’ll only get better from here!

  • http://www.nailsandcupcakes.com Isabelle

    I hope you feel better soon, Lily. I have the same issues as you and sometimes feel horrible in my own skin. I’ve always been quite skinny and have had clear skin throughout my teens, but I’m in the second half of my twenties now and it’s been difficult. Adult acne, extra pounds, .. And it is fairly manageable with healthy food but you just have to be able to do it! Be strong minded about it.. It’s hard when you like chocolate as much as I do ;-) It’s so difficult & it really stands or fails with moral support from friends and family.

    Let’s try and do this both! But do remember that you look beautiful no matter what. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you and me both succeed with this quest!!!!

    • http://www.chloeash.com Lily

      Thank you so much Isabelle. I’ve been getting my cardio in 3 times a week now, hoping to get in up to 5 times a week. Gotta build up my stamina. All the best to both you and me!